Feature Friday: The Empty Womb

Today's guest post is written by a dear childhood friend of mine, Jamie McWhorter. I reached out to her earlier this week and asked her to compose her thoughts on the subject of infant miscarriage and loss. I am at a loss for words to describe the beauty with which she responded to such an intimate request. Be forewarned, the subject matter is not light and although it is painful, it is important to give a voice to such loss.

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When you look up the word miscarriage, one of the definitions is "an unsuccessful outcome of something planned."

I planned you, and although my plans for you were unsuccessful, God's were not. He gave you to me and let me carry you, for however brief....but why?
I've asked myself this one worded question over and over. I have asked the doctor, my husband, and God. 

You needed me in those few short weeks and months, to create a small body. A heartbeat, so that you could return to heaven for a greater work than you were meant to do down here. That does not mean you didn't have a purpose or matter though.

You changed me.

"The Empty Womb" is a photography project I put together of 6 images for a class project on depth. I remember talking to my sister Amanda about it and my ideas, but having doubt in myself that I could ever put how I felt into words. I've always loved making images that told a story--that moved my clients and myself. Although this has been one image that moved me more than anything, and I hope it has you as well. 

This last year was not the first time I have lost a child. When we first got married in 2009, we had thought that I was pregnant, only to go in and learn that there was no longer a fetus.

I hate that word, fetus.

It IS a baby...at least, it was. I picked myself up and pretended that it did not happen. We had two beautiful girls later on, who we love so dearly. Two years after our last, we hit a long patch of let downs. 

I was 8 weeks.......

........6 weeks........

.......11 weeks pregnant

and then I'd lose them.

The last set we got to 11 weeks and no longer had a heartbeat. Given no other explanation at the time but that the babies had passed.

Your body is fighting against you. I hated my body. I felt it had betrayed me. I hated myself and I hated God. I felt women were meant to have babies and to give birth to them. I could no longer do the one thing my body was meant to do naturally. No one talked about them, it was like they did not exist.

They were just another unsuccessful outcome of something planned.

With the love and support of an amazing friend and doctor, I talked more about them. I opened up more. I was able to turn back to my Heavenly Father for help--instead of turning my back on Him. 

More women lose a child before 20 weeks than we care to know. But it's every 1 in 4. Those are real numbers, real women. That means your mothers, your sisters, and your friends. They are suffering alone. 
Talking about your babies brings a light on the painful subject. It lets other women and men know they are not alone, and it's ok to grieve.

I remember a funeral of a dear friend's mother when I was young. The speaker said, "We do not ever grieve for the lost. We grieve for ourselves. They have no worries and are no longer in pain or suffering. How can they see cause to grieve being engulfed in our Heavenly Father's peace and love? We grieve on Earth for ourselves, so that we may come to terms with our loss. When you do not allow yourself to grieve and put your burdens on the Lord, it only adds to you own sorrows." 

These words have stayed with me, but I do not ever thing I truly felt their meaning until the day I embraced our family's loss.

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Thank you Jamie for sharing your heart with us. I truly believe that the fires we pass through in this life sear a lasting reminder so that we can guide others through that same path. 

I have never experienced this kind of loss, but my heart knows pain. It's an empathy that I've often feared to dive too deeply into for fear of losing myself. 

Recently I have learned that being afraid of the things that make us beautiful keep us from experiencing the most painfully wonderful things in this life. With that in mind, I have decided to add another layer to my doula work.

I have taken the leap of faith and signed up to begin certifying as a birth and bereavement doula with Still Birth Day. My stomach is in knots and my heart is pounding, but the tears in my eyes have the names of the women I have not yet met etched into them. 

 Here we go.

The Mother-Centered Shower

There's a new type of celebration taking the birth world by storm.

It's been referred to as a Blessingway, the Mother's Shower, or a Mother's Blessing Circle.  In an effort to respect the Native American term and to avoid cultural appropriation, we are going to avoid "blessingway" for the purposes of this blogpost. 

Honestly, part of me feels wrong to say that it's a new trend.  Honoring mothers in one way or another has been a part of most every culture. However, I believe that the difference is that somewhere along the way, American culture lost sight of the women who birthed its children. 

The rise of the Mother's Blessing Circle is the answering call to this missing piece.

"But wait!", you say. "Don't we already shower the expectant mother with gifts at a baby shower?"

Yes, we do. May I draw your attention to one small detail?

baby shower

It's not about the mom. Yes, we provide her with financial support in the form of gifts to help care for her child. But what about the emotional support?

The mother-centered shower covers this gap.
There is no easy way to describe what happens there. Each is as unique as the mother they cater to. But there are two elements that all of them carry.

1. Sisterhood

There is a strength that comes from knowing that you are not alone. Some mother-centered showers are filled with loved ones and longtime friends, while others are virtually strangers.  It doesn't matter though, because once a woman crosses the threshold into the room, she is there to love and support the mother. 
That support takes the shape of emotional vulnerability. Birth is a huge life-changing event in a woman's life. It can bring both joy and fear. The mother will feel supported and safe to sit in a room where other women nod knowingly and whisper a gentle "me too".  The emotional bonds that form during such brave truth sharing mean that while some attendants may arrive as strangers, they are able to leave as lifelong friends. 

2. Gifts

The gifts that are brought to a mother-centered shower are completely different than those brought to a baby shower. For starters, the hostess contacts the women(minus the mother) beforehand and tells them what to bring. 
it's never a baby blanket.
It's not even a wrapped gift for mom.
The gifts are usually free or inexpensive, and overflowing with meaning.

Here are some examples:
-a written blessing for mom's postpartum period
-a birth affirmation to string up into a banner
-a bead for a necklace
-herbs or flowers for an epsom salt bath
-a natural element to add to her birth space
-a rock with a single word written on it for inspiration during labor

There are many more gifts and activities that can be used for a mother-centered shower, but pinterest should hold you over for a more comprehensive list.

I believe in the mother-centered shower.

"Birth is a sacred space which should be honored, respected, and nurtured. Since the emotional state of a mother during pregnancy and birth carries into her mothering years, caring for her should be society's primary goal." ~Graceful Birthing mission statement

Our mother's are not alone. They should not be alone. To be human is to need connection. 

"By giving ourselves the grace to be women, we help to give birth to not just children, but to mothers as well." ~Graceful Birthing mission statement